Jennifer Barley

Expectations Verses Expectancy

One of my absolute favorite aunts, Aunt Ruth, sent me an email after my last blog post introducing the concept of exploring expectations verses expectancy.

It got me thinking deeper about expectations, as the word has been floating around my brain for awhile now.  Trying to strike the balance of letting go of my expectations but not to let go of my involvement, or responsibility, or my part in the creation of what is happening.  

There was always a part of me that struggled with if I let go of expectations -- well, it felt like I was surrendering to everything...almost flat-lining.  Hard for me to explain -- hence the struggle.

My Aunt shared her thoughts stating, for her, expectation is limiting,  full of boxed in thoughts and feelings. Expectancy is what you are all about - new revelations, released emotions, feelings, hurts etc. Expectancy is the possibility that there are wonderful things around the corner. 

Her words helped me with some clarity -- for me, expectations are about the outcome where expectancy is about the process. Expectations are all about control.  Expectations is about pre-thinking what is going to happen, what should happen, and what will happen.  

Expectancy is about being a part of the process that feels really light -- allowing us to take who we are in that moment to our experiences. Our 'who' is constantly changing.  I am a different person today that I was when I went to bed last night.  I am a different person from who I was a month ago.  I am a different person from who I was 5 years ago.

So again your attitudes, beliefs, and world view will determine if you approach situations with an expectancy of delight, excitement, adventure, or with an expectancy of negativity, judgment, or drama.

Being attached to an outcome is where disappointment comes in, where entitlement is created and where we only focus on the result.

So, thank you Aunt Ruth -- for sharing your thoughts.  I look forward to your next email with great, loving expectancy!

Free Preview Call: 7 Enlightened Tips on How to Lose The Thoughts That Are Weighing You Down

Ho-ho-whoa! 

It is that time of the year that we swear off sweets, put away the pie and make yet another resolution to get our butts in gear when it comes to weight, food and fitness.

It all feels so familiar, doesn't it? The cycle of weight loss and the determination that THIS year is going to be the year that it is different.  

Well, it truly can be different IF you are willing to do things differently. Instead of coming at it with how many calories are in this egg, how can I work out for 30 days in a row, how can I never eat chocolate again --- how about approaching it from understanding who you really are. True success comes from the coach approach to your beliefs around weight, food and fitness.

Please join me for a free teleclass where I will reveal my 7 enlightened tips that will change your thinking around dieting, weight loss, body image, food and emotional eating.

Details:

When: Monday, January 2, 2012

Time: 7:00 - 8:00 pm EST 

How: This is a call in teleclass.  You phone in to a conference line with a unique passcode and be a part of this teleclass.  

Cost: FREE (long distance charges may apply)

Everyone who registers for the call will receive an audio recording of the call as well.

I am super exited to share my tips with you and introduce a new way to really understand your thoughts around food and fitness.  Then you will have the ability to make changes that actually support you and your goals.

So -- what are you waiting for?  It is time to change your life.

Register now...by clicking here.

"See" you on the call on Monday -- it will be a great way to KickStart the New Year.

To learn more about me as the presenter, please visit my website at: www.jenniferbarley.com or if you have specific questions -- please email me at: jennifer@jenniferbarley.com

Choosing to Not Go In To A Holi-daze.....

' Tis the season to be jolly.....with only 6 days until Christmas and a mere 13 until we bid goodbye to 2011, it can all feel like a whirlwind.

Shopping, caroling, cooking, entertaining, decorating -- who knew that so much can go in to the season.

I have had an interesting relationship with Christmas.  Around 1992 or 93, I made the decision to not celebrate the holidays with my family.  It felt too stressful. Flying back to the midwest, presents, expectations, cookies to eat, church services to go to, carols to be sung, and the general make all the rounds because I was only in town for a few days....it was just overwhelming.

Since the early 90's, my Christmases in CA were all over the place. Some times I would decorate like crazy and get together with friends and other times, there wouldn't be a tree in sight and Christmas would feel like any other day.

Fast forward to 2011, where I am no longer in CA but in FL, and the halls are officially decked.  The tree is up, carols play through the house, presents are wrapped and it is a true Floridian Christmas.

My family is coming to visit and we are celebrating on the 27th. Mom and Dad are driving up, Pete and family are flying in. I am hosting and doing the cooking and it doesn't feel overwhelming at all.

It actually feels perfect.

I can't wait to hear my dad play Christmas songs on the piano.  I am ready to exchange gifts and unwrap presents.  I am ready to hang with my nephew and hopefully put on a show.  I am ready to have my mom and I in the same kitchen making Pete's favorite dinner. I am ready to have Tabby take the kayak out and see why I love Florida so much.

I have missed it.

It is all about shifting energy.  Changing something from a "have to" to a "want to".  For me, changing energy is about understanding what is important to me, what my values are, and what parts are important to me has given me clarity.  It allows me to focus on what I want.

Through my trek towards peace, love and clarity, I have found the best gift of all.  The gift of being able to change your mind.

 

The Book of Happiness.....

Would of...could of...should of.  
How often we look at our past wishing things would have been different.  

Well, it wasn't.  

Focus on the here and now.  Focus on what you want the future to hold.

It is hard to find happiness if you don't let go of holding on to sadness.

I am all about happiness.  Embracing happiness.  Experiencing happiness. Living happiness.

I am happy.

One Moment of Gratitude....

can set a whirlwind of positivity in action.  

Find one little thing to be grateful for....take a moment to take it in, to appreciate it, to connect to the essence of it. 

That one little grateful moment can bring forth the opportunity to find one more little grateful moment and so on and so on and so on.

Create your own movement....start your own whirlwind....be the change in your life you have been waiting for....one grateful step at a time.

 

Note To Self....

Dear Jenny,

When you set intentions, they can actually happen.  

Whether it is the intention to drink more water, to meditate more, or to recreate your life....make it happen.

Know what you want.  State what you want.  Work towards what you want.

Done, done, and done.

All my power of intention love,

Jenn

Making the Connection

At times I can feel disconnected with other people. Feeling like we are not on the same page...that something is slightly off...something that I just can't put my finger on.  

So in my effort to figure it out, I wonder what is up with them, wonder when they are going to come around, wonder where their head is at this moment.

Truth is --- energy would be better spent wondering how I am disconnected from myself.  If I am feeling disconnected it could be because I don't know what I need...I am feeling pressured...I am feeling impatient....I don't know what I want...or I don't know to articulate the uneveness I might be feeling. 

I am committed to sitting in that uncertainty in order to ask the following questions:

How can I connect to what I need right now?

How can I ground myself to feel more centered?

What can I do to release the mixed energy that is happening?

So often we look to others to figure out what's wrong with them -- when all that is required is to connect with ourselves to figure out what we need.

Just Because You Can....Doesn't Mean You Should....

Many of us have many abilities.  Talents, skills, things that come oh-so-easy.  Resources, tools, the can-do characteristics that ooze from every cell of our bodies.

However --- just because I can do something, doesn't mean I should.  I often take on projects under the guise of "well, if I don't do it, what is going to happen to the person, the project, the group, the goal?" or "well, I can just bang it out, why not...." 

Well, the why not is because I no longer want to spend my time, energy, and talents on the things that do not bring me joy.  I want to stay in alignment with my vision, my focus, my limited time.

Saying No or Saying Yes is something I have been working on for years. However, I saw myself losing my footing when I saw that a local organization clearly could use some good leadership, could really benefit from some marketing, program development and a good ole swift "I can so do this" kick in the pants.  All of a sudden, I found my name up on the flip chart next to the name of a committee.

Then I remembered my '3 day rule'.  Since I tend to get overly enthused in the moment, any time I am asked or I have the inkling to volunteer my time, I give myself 3 days to think it over. I can mull it all over...how much time is needed, what would I need to contribute, what kind of support would there be, is this something I REALLY want to spend my time on?

The '3 day rule' is my own personal checks and balance system. It is a no-fail approach to make sure that what I choose to do is in alignment with how I want to spend my energy.

I gave myself the 3 day grace period and let the group know that I would not be able to effectively be a part of this team at this time.

Just having that conversation made me feel better....more connected even.  Connected to myself.

What things do you wish you would have given yourself three days to really think about?

 

Me, My Shelf and I.....

Everyone has a shelf.  You know...the place where  we mentally put the things we don't want to deal with....to save the challenge for later...to store away the uncomfortable areas of our life...hoping with time those areas would disintegrate and just go away.

Like everyone -- I had a really big-ass shelf.  Year after year topics would come on and off the shelf.  I would take some time to explore what was going on. I would contemplate. I would analyzed.  I would be worried, afraid, concerned.  I would find my inner mo-jo to get ready to overcome it. And just when it got to a place that I might actually do something about it -- I would put it back up on the shelf to be taken down at another time in the future.

What holds us back from officially removing things from our shelf?  For me, it was fear.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of what might happen, fear of what I perceived would happen.  Fear of not being able to handle it. Fear of rocking the little bubble of my life that was familiar.

Wayne Dyer says...Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.

Things will come off the shelf when you are ready to face the pain of the situation, the circumstance, the habits, the defense-mechanisms and you are willing to do whatever it takes to do things differently.

Well, my little bubble of a life has been officially rocked.  And I have never felt so alive. This isn't to say that it is all easy or that I don't experience sadness, or that every single thing was askew in my little bubble.

However, by being willing to permanently remove the items from my shelf, my energy is free.  What use to consume my thoughts and energy in a negative way is gone.  My energy is now being used to not focus on the past or the future -- but really to focus on the here and now.  To be alive in each moment knowing that I am where I am suppose to be, doing what I am suppose to be doing, and just being.

What I have learned about taking things off the shelf, staring issues straight in the eye and saying "bring it" is that:

• I am stronger than I think
• others are stronger than they think
• to live in fear just eats away at your soul and numbs you out
• to live in peace, love and clarity...you have to have peace, love and clarity
• there is always a safety net
• even though I experience an emotion -- I am not going to stay in that emotion forever
• I get to define and re-define my life every day
• it impossible to fear the unknown -- how can you fear something you don't know
• in order to change something -- you have to be willing to change it

My shelf is looking might empty these days....and interestingly enough I no longer feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Every moment is an opportunity to do things different.  To figure out what is working in your life and what isn't.  To really assess where you compromise. To really assess where you want to stop compromising.

What has been on your shelf that you are afraid to do something about?  How would your life be different if you were to actually look at it and make a plan to support removing the item permanently from your shelf?

Even the best of shelves require dusting -- what are you willing to dust today?

 

It Is An Inside Job....

So often we look to the outer things in life to fix our issues.  If we have financial challenges, we look to change jobs to make more money.  If we have weight issues, we join a gym.  If we have relationship woes, we want to change the other person.  All of these efforts are about searching outside of ourselves for the solution under the guise of being happy.

Happiness is an inside job.  No amount of money, no number on the scale, and no other person will bring you true happiness.  Sure, those things can make life more comfortable,  they could help us reduce the negative self talk, and they can bring a sense of familiarity. However if one is truly happy then they experience things that come from the inside...peace, love, and clarity...regardless of how much money is in the bank, how our pants fit and who is in our life. If we always do what we've always done, we will always get what we've always got.  This is not about doing -- it is about our being.

In order to find happiness, we have to be willing to start exploring our thoughts, feelings and actions around our challenges.  That begins with our core of "who" we are.    We all have beliefs, values, core thoughts, assumptions, and interpretations that play into our view of the world. Those beliefs can enhance our world, or detract from our world. 

How do your beliefs serve you?  Do they keep you safe and small?  Do they protect you from disappointment?  Do they protect you from vulnerability?  Do they allow you to play big and share your gifts with the world? Do your core thoughts allow you to share love without limits.

Which of your beliefs keep you from moving forward?

Then the big zowie of a question comes in to play....

If you were to let go of your belief what are you really afraid might happen? What is the worst thing that could happen? What is the best thing that could happen?  Are you willing to risk it?

How willing are you to redefine your "who"?

The world is waiting for you, your redefined who, to show up from the inside out.

Time to Move Things Off the Back Burner.....

How many times in life have you said: "as soon as I finish this project, I will be happy...: or "someday I would like to go back to school, but I need to wait"... or "if only I could...."

So often we put the things we really want in life on the back burner. We are waiting for tomorrow, for some day, for when the timing is better.  But why?  What are we really afraid of?

I'll give a great example -- for YEARS I have said that I wanted a kayak.  When I say years...I really mean like 10 - 15 years.  I love kayaking. I have organized trips, gone often on my own and love, love, love being on the water.

For 16 years, I lived within walking distance from the Santa Cruz harbor in CA --- the perfect launching grounds for a kayak.  I talked about owning a kayak all the time. So, what was really holding me back from moving the kayak off the back burner where I kept placing it?

Perhaps it was a fear that I wouldn't really use it and I would waste all that money.  Perhaps it was a fear of having to wear the non-forgiving wet suit.  Perhaps it was a fear that I wouldn't be able to handle a kayak on wheels going down the big hill in to the harbor.  Hard to say.  The thought of being a kayak owner would come to my head and then I would give myself 85 reasons to not get one.

Fast forward to Florida.  After only two weeks of officially moving here, I bought a kayak,

My desire of owning a kayak finally came off the back burner and is now a part of my every day life.  I launch it just 50 feet from my condo.  I paddle with the manatees and the dolphns.  I can go for a long ride or a short paddle.  I get to explore my new area from a different angle.

I have such a sense of freedom.  This freedom comes from having a dream, a desire, a wish and actually following through with it.  I have to say, I have been doing that  a lot lately.  I have moved away from stagnate waters and on to the flow of the river of life.

What is on your back burner that you are ready to make a reality?  How long are you willing to wait?  What are you giving up by not moving forward?  What are you gaining by not taking action?

(The top photo is from sunrise over Labor Day weekend before an early morning paddle.  The 2nd photo is from about two weeks ago and you can see my condo in the picture with the red tile roof.)

If You Wanted To Be On a Bike....You'd Be On A Bike

Friends can say the most profound things.  In the early stages of summer of 2010, I kept telling my friend Sonia how I wanted to be on the road again.  Riding my road bike.  Riding the roads of Santa Cruz.  Pedaling away. Busting a sweat.  And then I would have a gazillion different reasons on why that wouldn't be happening.

One day she said the simple sentence...."If you wanted to be on a bike, you'd be on a bike."

It stopped me dead in my tracks.  Wow...I guess that is true.  If I REALLY wanted to be on a bike....well I would be.

So, the very next day she came over and we pumped up tires, checked the chain, got out the gear and I was on a bike.  Interesting how that happens. And I continued to ride my bike.

I still want to be on my bike.  And I will.  Logistics are what is keeping me and my Bianchi separated.  My bike is in a POD somewhere traveling across the united states making it's way to Florida.  In one week, we will be reunited.  I am ready to be on my bike.

What do you keep saying you want to do and then you follow it up with all the reasons why not now, later on, not enough time.... 

If you really wanted to do it -- you would do it.

Live in Love....

The other day I found myself living in my head and over-thinking a recent situation. I was trying to figure it all out.  I was rolling it around and around inside my noggin.  

As usual, I was asking myself a bunch of questions, all under the guise of personal growth, discovery, and to learn more about myself.  While I do think that is important....I know a balance  is needed.

After I over-thought about my over-thinking -- I realized that sometimes it might be better just to be in my heart. To be with love.  To lead with love.  To be open to everything with love.

I want to let go of my perceived need to over analyze, to always listen for a deeper meaning of everything that is being said, to release my judgment on what is going on.  

I want to observe with love. Interact with love. Show up with love.

I did an exercise with a coach the other day involving a visualization journaling process.  Through a visualization and breathing exercise, I was able to create an image in my mind about my recent move.

It was interesting because my mind wanted me to visualize a deep rooted dark brown tree, expressing strength and connectedness and a sense of solidness. But my heart quickly rejected that image.  I then checked in with my gut saying "just sit with it"..."what image is really coming up?"..."Don't think....feel."

The image was clear...pink, hearts, floating, and free all were words that came out of my mouth to describe the image. I felt light, airy, and almost a sense of giddy when I explained it. A far cry from the heavy, rooted tree that I thought I 'should' have.

And yet another reminder to drop the elevator from my head to my heart. To go with a lighteness, airy-ness and a sense of giddy. To live in love.  Allow love. And be love. Just plain love.

Wound for Sound....

The end of my California time is coming fast -- in less than a week I am off to Florida for my new adventure.  It is amazing the amount of coordination that it takes for a zillion different things to happen.

A piano needs to be moved, a POD need to be packed, a car needs to be sold, a house needs to close, and my sanity needs to remain in tact.  

It is interesting to be an observer of myself through this whole process.  There are times I am one-stressed-out chick -- and there are times that I am cool as a cucumber, aligned with the universe.

The tipping point between my two states of mind seems to be undefinable.  The stress-out-chick persona does not make me proud. In fact, it causes me to grind my teeth at night.  The obsessing about every decision and wondering if it is the right decision does not lower my blood pressure.  I tend to live in my head a lot.

Stress really is mental friction when the world as it is rubs up against the world as we think it should be.  I realize that I create stress by trying to create my desired outcome by trying to control each and every step.  And wouldn't you know, it is the unknown that causes me to sit and spin every time.

The question that I now ask myself when I feel the stress is: "what would it take for me to let it go right now....?" Then I listen for the answer from my heart and I try that approach.

Pretty much just trying to align with the Universe....from my heart...just like a cool cucumber.

Reduce Your Clutter --- Reduces Your Clutter

Today I started packing my things from my house where I have lived for the last 16 years. It was interesting how quick it was to go through items, sort through closets, and look through drawers. So far, the packing has been a fast process that didn't involve a lot of throwing things away.  There is only a small pile to go to charity, as of today.

I realize the ease of packing was directly related to a continual state of de-cluttering that I go through.  Getting rid of items that weren't being used, sending things to the Good Will, not letting things build up. Clean lines, clean surfaces.

Our lives need to be like that as well...a big ole shuffle and sort process. Moving things around. Looking at things through different eyes...determining if what worked in 1993 still applies to 2011.

Often, my brain gets all cluttered up --- and remembering to go through the de-cluttering process helps me to get the breathing space I need to sort through it all. That allows me to see what thoughts are worth keeping and which ones can be tossed aside -- helping me to reduce what I have to sort through.